Jill Victoria

I have to say, I have had an excellent 26 years of life!

Despite the hardships and trials, I’ve experienced a fabulous life. This past year of my life was the most life changing ever, for obvious reasons. It’s hard to believe that David and I got engaged on my 25th birthday and by my 26th we are husband and wife.

I had a great birthday! Though nothing could top an engagement ring as a birthday present, my gift this year came close. I received a Kindle from my dear husband… and myself! I love it and as an avid reader and gadget girl, this was the best of both worlds!

For my birthday David made me a strawberry cheesecake and a Key Lime pie! Both were very delicious! I visited my grandfather, who is now in a nursing home here in Fayetteville. He is at one of the best places around, and my new family full of doctors are close by and operating the facility. I know he’s in good hands there.

I went with David, brother (in-law) John, Emily, Jonathan, Chrispy and Mandy up to Chow Baby for my birthday dinner. Having eaten there on New Year’s Eve, I knew this was the best place for everyone attending my party. We all had a great time together. Good friends, good food, good conversation and lots of laughter!

I really am blessed to have such a wonderful family and group of friends. I feel very loved and appreciated!

Today David and I went to lunch with my parents and GranMar at Olive Garden as a belated birthday meal. David and I then went shopping so I could spend the birthday money burning a hole in my pocket.

We ended the afternoon with a new mattress! I have never been more excited about going to bed before in my life!

Overall, this has been an excellent birthday! Another one for the memory books…. with more to come!

Bullying is not an uncommon thing to happen. I’m sure that everyone reading this was bullied at some point in their lives. We can relate to it, and we still deal with it even in adulthood. I found a whole group of bullies on a forum recently. There really is no escape from these people. But there is an escape from the affects bullies have on our lives.

At school, I was bullied mercilessly for years.

In fourth grade it was especially worse. I ended up in a class with a group of girls who must have made it their life’s ambition to kill me. Believe me, the thought crossed my mind. How many times did I have to hear that I was fat, ugly, a dog, stupid, and that no one wanted me there?

I went to the school councilor for help, but she never seemed to want to do anything for me. I had terribly low self-esteem and it affected who I was. My teacher eventually intervened and made the girls apologize, but it didn’t stop them from their torment of me.

When I entered middle school, things didn’t improve. My sixth grade year had me facing one of the worst bullies I’d ever have to deal with. That was the first time I ever heard the word “bitch”, let alone was called one. Her exact nickname for me was “Hepatitus C Bitch”. Why? Heck if I know! She probably didn’t even know. I did have a breakdown at lunch one day when she just sat there and called me it over and over again. I reached across the table and punched her in the face. Yep. I sure did. She tattled on me, and after I told my teacher everything that she had done to me since the beginning of the school year, I was not punished.

Seventh grade I dealt with rumors. I developed large breasts early on, and of course that meant I was talked about. I was accused of stuffing my bra, and even having sex or being pregnant as a result. The worst rumor I remember was that my dad was molesting me, and THAT was how I got big boobs.

One of the worst things about my bullying is losing two friends during it. My best friends became friends with some of the very girls who tormented me, meaning that at their birthday, I had to face them there. It didn’t take long till I was the outcast, and they were the popular girls.

The kids who tormented me probably to this day don’t know what I went through. In fact, when they left off with the name calling and abuse, I picked up and kept it going. Even now I have to stop myself from calling myself the things I was called in elementary school.

Am I ugly? A dog? Trash? Stupid? A freak? Unworthy of love? Unworthy of life? Am I not good enough? No, I am not any of those things, but the bullies beat it into me. That’s what I heard nearly every day from primary to middle school.

For a long time, I let people bully me. Even after high school I was bullied in the workplace or even at church. I finally started to value myself when I actually decided to not let others affect how I felt about myself.

Do the old wounds still fester? Oh yeah, and they run deep. But then, I have learned to value myself for who and what I really am. I am truly blessed in life. Facebook has helped me keep up with some of the people who made my childhood miserable, and I believe I’ve come out better than the majority of them. I have a husband who loves me, a wonderful family and the best friends anyone could ask for.

I let the bullies win for a very long time. Then I realized who I am and began to see that the bullies in life will never stop. I had to rise above it, tell myself the truth and win this war I fought with my attackers for so long.

They won the battles, but I win the war.

I am wonderfully me.

I win.

I was out and about the other day when I accidentally eavesdropped on a woman on her cell phone. She was talking rather loudly, so you can’t blame me for hearing her.

What she said kinda shocked me. Maybe it’s because I’m a newly wed still, or maybe it’s just because I was raised to and still do believe a marriage is a lifelong commitment… unless he/she is abusing the crap out of you.

What the loud talking woman said was: “I’m ready for the next one. This was just my starter marriage. It’s normal”.

I literally said out loud: “Really?”.

She didn’t hear me though. Could have been bad.

Is that the new trend? Marry someone, see how you like it and then “break up” with them? I know that the TV show “The Starter Wife” is/was pretty popular. Did that set off this new term and thinking?

I don’t get the concept of this “starter marriage” trend that I’m now aware of. From what I understand, the concept is that you should marry a first time to prepare you for the “real thing”. Um, did I miss something? Isn’t that what dating is? You date someone to see how you like the person and relationship. That was how I prepared for the “real thing” of this thing called marriage.

The “rules” of a starter marriage are the participants have to be in their 20s or early 30s, the marriage last one to three years, have no children and the split is amicable. When does any break up happen with no hard feelings?

I knew already the statistic of 50% of first marriages ending in divorce, then 67% of second marriages, and nearly 74% of third marriages. But seriously, a starter marriage? You needed practice first, so you married a dud while you waited for a stud?

The experts claim that romance coupled with unrealistic ideas of what marriage means is the culprit in a lot of these starter marriages. Couples enter into marriage with the romantic dream of soul mates and constant togetherness. Then reality sets in and no one wants to deal with it.

Sorry. But marriage isn’t something you just decide to do to see how it goes. It’s not like deciding to start yoga or a baking class. Try it on for size and then slip it off. It just doesn’t make sense!

Starter homes I can understand. Starter cars, starter careers, starter bras even. But a marriage? Something you invest your whole heart and life into? No. It doesn’t work that way.

My marriage: Till death do we part.

I don’t have the energy to get married again!

I’m getting sick. Sucks… a lot!

This will be the first time David will have had to deal with me sick on a 24/7 basis since we’ve known each other. It should be interesting, for him at least. When I run a fever I hallucinate big time. Not sure who I should ask you pray for more: me to recover, or David to not think he married a lunatic!

I have been absent from my blog for a while. My last blog about my weird wedding event was the last thing I did on my computer before a virus destroyed it. I had to reboot, and thank God got rid of the virus that way. I’ve been trying to recover lost files and get my computer back to “normal” since then. My plan now is to save up and get a Mac.

Other than me and my computer both coming down with something, life has been good. David and I are in our third month of marriage, and we still love each other. Always a good sign, I hear.

I’m still trying to figure out when life calms down after a wedding. We’ve had some down time, but not enough in my opinion. I’m really looking forward to our trip to the beach condo in April. Krista and Spencer will be going with us this time. Sort of an “old married people’s” retreat.

Overall, I’m happy. I still count my blessings every day. I am a very lucky woman!

I had wondered about sharing this story before, but never really thought it mattered. It happened right before my wedding day, so though it struck me deeply, it was also one of the last things on my mind to think to share here.

As I was watching a TV show on the paranormal, I was reminded by a scene of a strange occurrence that happened the day before my wedding. The story portrayed in this TV show involved a phone call from someone who was in no normal position to make one.

Most people who know me well are aware of the fact I’m very interested in the paranormal. This is one of those strange things that I find fascinating, and I invite you to take it as you want.

During my bridesmaids luncheon the day before my wedding, I was emailing back and forth with my wedding coordinator via my BlackBerry. When one of the emails she sent with pictures of the bouquets for me and my bridesmaids didn’t come through, me coordinator Leslie called me. I told her I did finally see the pictures and I loved my bouquets. We discussed more things she wanted to clear up before I and my wedding party arrived at the Hazelhurst House in just a couple of hours for the rehearsal.

While she went over things, she also mentioned that she had received a phone call asking about our wedding rehearsal. Leslie said that the person asked if the rehearsal was at 1:00. She corrected them and told them no, it was at 2:00.

I asked her who it was. I heard Leslie shuffle through papers and say “The caller ID said “Janice Cole”.

For half a moment, I was speechless. It takes a lot to really shock me, but Leslie saying that name really did it for me. Janice Cole is my husband’s deceased grandmother’s name. She died before I met David. We live in her house.

Not wanting to tell Leslie she talked to a dead woman, I simply stammered out the answer, “Um, we don’t know anyone by that name right now”.

I told my mom, who stood next me and asked what was the matter, that Leslie just said that “Nanny” called. At the moment, I happened to be standing next to a picture of her in my in-law’s house. I felt rather touched that she wanted to make her presence known for the wedding of her grandson.

I told my then future mother-in-law Deb what just happened. I’m still not sure exactly what she thinks of that.

We still never really figured out how the caller ID could have said that particular name. The phone at our house doesn’t show her name when it calls out. Besides, no one was at this house at the time to even make a call from a phone here. No cell phones are in her name, and Leslie didn’t know that Janice Cole even existed prior to her conversation with her.

Just one of those things, you know? A slight paranormal touch to my wedding. It still makes me wonder and makes me feel I somehow have her blessing because of it. Everyone tells me that Nanny and I would have gotten along wonderfully.

I hope we can.

Now that I’ve found myself on the “other side” of the marriage line, I am starting to realize more and more the unspoken animosity between married women and single women.

As a newly married woman in my twenties, I’m more aware of how TV and some of the single ladies I’ve encountered in my life view marriage. Sex and the City gives single women of all ages a reason to feel like their lives are just fine without a man. The women in that show helped me feel like being single, even in my early twenties, was a badge of honor. I could go out, socialize, flirt and be seen as powerful and independent because of my single status. Being single is great! I enjoyed my single days and I felt empowered to be a single woman at times.

What I hate hearing is how some single women (notice I said some, not all) say things like “I’m single because I want more from life” or “I’m just not settling for some guy“.

I can promise you, married women didn’t just “settle” for some guy and we certainly didn’t get married because we wanted dull and uneventful lives! We want just as much out of life as the next single lady.

I’m all for single women feeling empowered, just as I did when I was single. No woman should need a man to define who she is or to make her way in life. At the same time, single women who act like a married woman has given up who she is and shunned her independence for her husband are just wrong. I am just as empowered by my marriage as I was by my singlehood.

Gone are the days when a single woman in her late twenties and up were considered “spinsters” or “old maids”. With the way some view married women these days, the views have flip-flopped at best. Single ladies are viewed as courageous, powerful and independent, while married women seem to be viewed as women who want a quite, dull life with no sense of excitement or adventure.

Honestly, I don’t see what this change in relationship status has to do with who we are as women. I, even as a married woman, am still independent, powerful and courageous. If anything, I see married women as being the more courageous because they put it all on the line for a marriage, to be part of a partnership in life. It’s a scary and life altering move, I promise you that! It take courage and a powerful sense of self to pull it off. It certainly isn’t settling.

Not only does it take courage to be married, but it also take courage to face what marriage brings. I’m not just talking about bills, money issues and the like. Getting married usually means a change in name, address, families and even friendships. It hurts me at times when I hear my single friends say they didn’t think to invite me to something because they thought I’d be too busy doing “married people things”. I’m still me! I’m still Jill, your friend. Marriage doesn’t put me in an exclusive club where I’m a totally different and unreachable person.

Just as a single woman shouldn’t be punished for her single status, a married woman shouldn’t either.

Whatever happened to falling in love and taking a chance? You can still be who you were as a person married as you were single. I think that both married women and single women should be able to carry the titles of “powerful”, “courageous” and “independent” together, because we’re all women.

Even the women in Sex and the City realized they were still who they were, regardless of a ring on the finger and a Mrs. in front of their name.

I try and have a list of personal goals for each year. These are things I know I can make happen over the year, rather than resolutions.

My goals for 2010 are:

* Find a better job.
* Work on my house.
* Lose more weight.
* Find a style I love for my hair.
* Unpack my boxes.
* Learn more dishes to cook.
* Go on vacation with Krista and Spencer and then with Emily and Greg.
* Get out of debt.
* Do well in school.
* Do home improvement and repairs.
* Maybe get a tattoo.
* Buy some more Coach shoes and some Clark’s.
* Weave enough scarves to sell.
* Sell more Mary Kay.
* Travel.
* Learn new things.
* Find a church home.
* Make new friends.
* Work on my French.
* Go to Disney World!
* Be a great wife.

I think this is a list of goals I can accomplish. Some aren’t mandatory, but others are. Should be an interesting year. Definitely not as hectic and life changing as last!

I decided a few years ago that I just don’t dig the New Year’s Resolutions. They’re great for everyone who wants to make them, but not me.

I prefer to make resolutions when the notion strikes me, and not just because its a new year.

I’ve seen people on Twitter and Facebook say that 2010 is a new beginning, a chance to wipe your slate clean. I beg to differ. A new year doesn’t clean your slate. You don’t hit the reset button and everything you did from 2009 back is gone. Why would you want that anyways?

I’d rather add more to my slate rather than wipe it clean. My choices aren’t always the best, but they make me who I am. I get one chance at this life God has given me and I refuse to see a new year as my life being cleaned away.

Maybe I just don’t see the new year the way most do. I won’t make resolutions to change my life when I’m not mentally ready for it, and I won’t pretend my life has a reset button at the stroke of midnight every January 1st.

I will, however, make my list of goals. Totally different than resolutions. Resolutions are breaking down a complex situation into simpler ones; goals are things to work towards.

My goals will be my next blog.

I’ve done this a few years now, either on my old MySpace blog or in my personal handwritten journals. It’s amazing to see what I’ve experienced and learned in just 365 days. Being able to look back to see everything in one place does add to realizing that A) Life is a constant learning experienced and that B) I am truly blessed.

Here is my list of what I’ve learned in 2009:

• * Just because something starts off on the wrong foot doesn’t mean you won’t land steady on the other foot.
• * People are definitely not who they say they are in every situation. Something I’ve known, but was reiterated.
• * Despite your age, girls are still just as ready to rip you to pieces over nothing; especially in online forums.
• * Big, life changing things come in small packages. Like fortune cookies.
• * There will always be someone jealous of you.
• * Rumors never cease to amaze me.
• * Vietnamese food is amazing!
• * So is Korean.
• * My PT Cruiser an hold five people and a ton of luggage and still make it back in one piece from Florida.
• * I don’t get sea sick!
• * Prayer works in amazing ways!
• * Losing people, even ones you didn’t know long, is never easy.
• * Getting married is everything and nothing like I expected it to be.
• * In the end, I know what’s best for me despite what others believe.
• * Wedding dresses weigh a million pounds!
• * By the end of each year, you know exactly who your true friends are. This can change again by the end of the following year.
• * Strawberry shortcake wedding cake is the best ever!
• * Karma. She’s a biznitch.
• * God provides, even in ways not thought possible.
• * The weather man can be very, very wrong! 70% chance of rain on a wedding day? NEVER HAPPENED! Not even a drizzle! God did it
• * Cooking is not as hard as I thought it was.
• * More and more each day, I know that I married my best friend and love of my life.
• * Green tea with mixed berries is fantastic!
• * It’s really great having more family now.
• * You never know when someone might get married… like my baby brother!
• * Having a house is a big chore, and a big blessing!
• * Whenever you run out of good music, iTunes helps.
• * Fernandina, FL is probably one of the most perfect vacation spots.
• * The Bahamas are not what you think they are.
• * The Florida Keys are amazing!
• * I so love my pink BlackBerry.
• * I miss having a puppy.
• * Pandora charms are really cool.
• * Discount shopping is great! Brand names at half the price!
• * Having two sets of parents now is really nice.
• * Having a sister-in-law, a brother-in-law and a future sister-in-law is pretty awesome. I especially dig the sister-in-law.
• * Knowing that my husband loves my cooking is encouraging.
• * I have good decorating skills, apparently.
• * I still have more unread books than I should.
• * Blogging, Twitter and Facebook have really helped me express myself, but it’s also helped me learn more about myself.
• * Marriage isn’t scary. I was so afraid!
• * Blue eyes are so pretty.
• * Nothing beats waking up next to the man you love every morning.
• * The job market sucks.
• * The majority of Americans are too naïve for their own good.
• * Trust is crucial. I know who I can trust.
• * Fayetteville has no real buffalo wings place, and that really sucks!
• * Life can be a fairytale, just don’t expect the pixie dust.
• * PJ’s Cafe has the best grilled chicken sandwich… ever!
• * There is always hope.
• * Sometimes you have to carry your friend when they’re down, till someone else totally puts them back on their feet.
• * I am so loved.
• * Dream weddings can happen.
• * Weaving is fun.
• * Life changes… a lot.
• * I have an old soul, but a young body.
• * College is great! Especially online.
• * Steak and fries on a salad? Not as weird as you’d think.
• * Road trips are still the best thing to do with friends.
• * World of Warcraft is indeed for dorks. I am now one of them.
• * Chowbaby is a picky food eater’s paradise!
• * I’ve gotten my happily ever after.

There is my list. I know I’ll think of more things, and then probably add them on. I’m curious as to what any readers out there might have learned this year. Tell me! Life is one big learning experience, after all!

In two thousand nine
I changed my last name to Cole.
I’m his blushing bride.

Been a good year!

Can you summarize your life in 2009 in a haiku? Break down the 5-7-5 syllable pattern and post your reply!