Jill Victoria

Two years ago in Valentine’s Day of 2008, I was dumped by my then boyfriend. Even though it was not the most pleasant thing in the world to endure on a day I wasn’t already fond of, that day turned out to be one of the best things that could have happened to me.

I knew it was over with Thomas way before Valentine’s Day. In all honesty, I was pretty relieved when he broke up with me. Thomas was a nice guy, but definitely not the guy for me.

By that day, I had already met and gone on a blind date with David. I suppose it could be considered cheating, but the date I went on with David was chaperoned by Krista and Spencer, and nothing even close to romantic happened other than David opening the car door for me.

Its hard to believe that a break up on Valentine’s Day two years ago lead me to a marriage. But, I suppose that every break up eventually leads to a marriage. Or at least to a long-term relationship.

That breakup was just one of the stepping stones on the way to my husband and the love of my life. Not every ending destroys a happily ever after.

I was out and about the other day when I accidentally eavesdropped on a woman on her cell phone. She was talking rather loudly, so you can’t blame me for hearing her.

What she said kinda shocked me. Maybe it’s because I’m a newly wed still, or maybe it’s just because I was raised to and still do believe a marriage is a lifelong commitment… unless he/she is abusing the crap out of you.

What the loud talking woman said was: “I’m ready for the next one. This was just my starter marriage. It’s normal”.

I literally said out loud: “Really?”.

She didn’t hear me though. Could have been bad.

Is that the new trend? Marry someone, see how you like it and then “break up” with them? I know that the TV show “The Starter Wife” is/was pretty popular. Did that set off this new term and thinking?

I don’t get the concept of this “starter marriage” trend that I’m now aware of. From what I understand, the concept is that you should marry a first time to prepare you for the “real thing”. Um, did I miss something? Isn’t that what dating is? You date someone to see how you like the person and relationship. That was how I prepared for the “real thing” of this thing called marriage.

The “rules” of a starter marriage are the participants have to be in their 20s or early 30s, the marriage last one to three years, have no children and the split is amicable. When does any break up happen with no hard feelings?

I knew already the statistic of 50% of first marriages ending in divorce, then 67% of second marriages, and nearly 74% of third marriages. But seriously, a starter marriage? You needed practice first, so you married a dud while you waited for a stud?

The experts claim that romance coupled with unrealistic ideas of what marriage means is the culprit in a lot of these starter marriages. Couples enter into marriage with the romantic dream of soul mates and constant togetherness. Then reality sets in and no one wants to deal with it.

Sorry. But marriage isn’t something you just decide to do to see how it goes. It’s not like deciding to start yoga or a baking class. Try it on for size and then slip it off. It just doesn’t make sense!

Starter homes I can understand. Starter cars, starter careers, starter bras even. But a marriage? Something you invest your whole heart and life into? No. It doesn’t work that way.

My marriage: Till death do we part.

I don’t have the energy to get married again!

Now that I’ve found myself on the “other side” of the marriage line, I am starting to realize more and more the unspoken animosity between married women and single women.

As a newly married woman in my twenties, I’m more aware of how TV and some of the single ladies I’ve encountered in my life view marriage. Sex and the City gives single women of all ages a reason to feel like their lives are just fine without a man. The women in that show helped me feel like being single, even in my early twenties, was a badge of honor. I could go out, socialize, flirt and be seen as powerful and independent because of my single status. Being single is great! I enjoyed my single days and I felt empowered to be a single woman at times.

What I hate hearing is how some single women (notice I said some, not all) say things like “I’m single because I want more from life” or “I’m just not settling for some guy“.

I can promise you, married women didn’t just “settle” for some guy and we certainly didn’t get married because we wanted dull and uneventful lives! We want just as much out of life as the next single lady.

I’m all for single women feeling empowered, just as I did when I was single. No woman should need a man to define who she is or to make her way in life. At the same time, single women who act like a married woman has given up who she is and shunned her independence for her husband are just wrong. I am just as empowered by my marriage as I was by my singlehood.

Gone are the days when a single woman in her late twenties and up were considered “spinsters” or “old maids”. With the way some view married women these days, the views have flip-flopped at best. Single ladies are viewed as courageous, powerful and independent, while married women seem to be viewed as women who want a quite, dull life with no sense of excitement or adventure.

Honestly, I don’t see what this change in relationship status has to do with who we are as women. I, even as a married woman, am still independent, powerful and courageous. If anything, I see married women as being the more courageous because they put it all on the line for a marriage, to be part of a partnership in life. It’s a scary and life altering move, I promise you that! It take courage and a powerful sense of self to pull it off. It certainly isn’t settling.

Not only does it take courage to be married, but it also take courage to face what marriage brings. I’m not just talking about bills, money issues and the like. Getting married usually means a change in name, address, families and even friendships. It hurts me at times when I hear my single friends say they didn’t think to invite me to something because they thought I’d be too busy doing “married people things”. I’m still me! I’m still Jill, your friend. Marriage doesn’t put me in an exclusive club where I’m a totally different and unreachable person.

Just as a single woman shouldn’t be punished for her single status, a married woman shouldn’t either.

Whatever happened to falling in love and taking a chance? You can still be who you were as a person married as you were single. I think that both married women and single women should be able to carry the titles of “powerful”, “courageous” and “independent” together, because we’re all women.

Even the women in Sex and the City realized they were still who they were, regardless of a ring on the finger and a Mrs. in front of their name.

My family has gained another member.

Yesterday, my baby brother Matthew married a wonderful girl named Susan. It was a small, close family and friends ceremony at Salem Baptist Church in McDonough. Matthew and Susan were married in the same (original building) chapel as our parents. I know that made it even more special. My dad and GrandDaddy both made toasts.

It’s hard to believe my brother is married and I now have a sister-in-law! I’m so happy for both Matthew and Susan!

In January of 2011, Matt and Susan will have a traditional ceremony to which everyone they want to invite will be asked to come to. Susan wants to have their re-commitment ceremony at the Hazelhurst House, too. I think it would be great if they did! I know I loved every second of my wedding day there.

This time of the year just became even more special. Two wedding in just six weeks and two new and fantastically wonderful people were added to the family.

I can’t help but marvel at how blessed and wonderful my life and family are. I have never lacked anything I needed and I have certainly obtained my fair share of the things I’ve wanted. Loving family, loving husband, new loving in-laws and family, new sister-in-law, great friends, a house, working cars, an education, health, happiness and adventures! I was able to have the wedding of my dreams and marry my best friend, just as I had hoped for my whole life. I’m a newly wed who was fortunate and blessed enough to end up in a house with room to spare.

I have gone and done and experienced more than I ever thought I would in my lifetime. If I have done what I’ve done now, it’s hard to think of what there is to come!

Since it’s so close to Thanksgiving, it’s nice to think of all the wonderful things I’ve been blessed with that I am so truly thankful for.

I really love autumn! Though autumn in Georgia can be confusing. One day can be sunny, cool and have a crisp feel to the air; the next it can be muggy and rainy. But despite that, I love how fall looks and feels. I marvel at the beautiful colors the trees turn. I just wish they had turned in time for the wedding. Still, I get to enjoy them now. Or rather, what’s left of them now.

I think I’ve finally settled into a new routine for life. Things are still hectic feeling at times for me. It’s not easy to change a whole life routine. And I miss being in my lifetime home. Though my new home with my husband is a wonderful place to be! I’m so happy!

I’ve been having a great time with my parents, brother and soon-to-be sister-in-law, Susan. Yesterday I tooke Susan up to Atlanta to a place called Natalie’s for her to try one her dream wedding dress. She looked absolutely gorgeous in it! I’m so glad that Matthew found someone like her to marry.

Susan and I had lunch together at Salsa, since it was right down the road from Natalie’s. It was great to get some girl time with her.

Last Thursday David and I finally got the pictures with Ashley done. We were supposed to have done them in August originally. I’m pleased with the ones she did. As a Christmas gift to my parents, David, Matthew, Susan and I are paying for Ashley to do family photos of the six of us this coming Sunday. I’m really looking forward to it!

I’m also looking forward to Thursday. Matthew and Susan will be getting married in a small, family ceremony at Salem Baptist. They’ll get married in the same chapel as my parents. I’m so excited for them! In January of 2011, after Matthew is back from Iraq, they will have a traditional wedding. Susan really wants to have it at the Hazlehurst House, too. She loved the pictures from the website and from my wedding. I really hope it works out for them to do it that way.

John and Yoly set their wedding date for July 31st of next year. From what they have discussed, it should be a great wedding! I’m just glad that both John and Yoly’s as well as Matthew and Susan’s weddings are both happening locally. I love to travel, but not for two weddings!

Next week is my last week of classes for this block. I’m debating taking a semester break and trying to get the house and my finances more organized. But then, it could be bad for me. I am just now getting into a routine that involves school. Should I deviate from that routine now, or stick it out? I’m really not sure what to do.

I can’t believe that next week is Thanksgiving! I’m looking forward to spending my first holiday season with David as my husband and us both being part of each other’s families. That is one of my favorite parts of being married: family. It’s important for both of us to be involved with family. I just wish Matthew and Susan would be here for the holiday. They leave Thanksgiving morning for Texas to spend time with Susan’s family.

Things in life sure do change quickly. It’s like seasons in Georgia, sudden and never knowing when it might happen!

Today marks one month of marriage. I can honestly say that being a wife is wonderful, but that could also be because David is a wonderful husband. If every woman had a husband as loving, caring, supportive, hard working
and devoted as David is, then all marriages would be easy. Though I will admit, I’m a lucky woman to have married a Cole man. They are a rare and wonderful breed of men. Its not often you find guys like them anymore. Kind, considerate, polite, loving, generous, family and God centered gentlemen. They are great examples of who men should be.

Now I’m glad to know that I will soon have two sister-in-laws! My brother proposed to his girlfriend, Susan. They will get married this month while she is on a 30 day leave from her Army station in South Korea. I’m so happy for them! Susan is a great girl and my brother is a wonderful guy.

My brother-in-law John also proposed to Yoly last week. They plan to get married in July of 2010. It seems that wedding planning didn’t stop at my own! I can’t wait to see what kind of wedding John and Yoly have. If its anything like Yoly was talking about, then it will be fantastic!

Matthew and Susan will have a “real” wedding when Matthew gets back from Iraq. He leaves December 27th for a year. I’m sad he’s going, but proud of his service to this country.

I can’t believe its been a month since I married David! It seems years ago and also like it hasn’t even happened yet.

Creating a home with David has been a great experience. We still have a lot to do, and we’ve had some great help from Lauren and Mandy’s boyfriend, Charlie. Our guest bathroom is done minus a window treatment and a new shower curtain rod. The main living room is done. We just need new furniture to complete the makeover. I want to work on our bedroom and bathroom next. The dining room and kitchen will follow. I’m not sure what to do with the other living room or the guest bedroom and office. We’ll get it figured out though. We have a lifetime to do it.

Recently I saw where someone I know was saying on Facebook and Twitter how she wanted to be pursued by a guy, not her pursue him. She stated overall that it was how God wanted things to be. I have to disagree with her.

In a perfect world, a man would chase and woe a woman till he romantically wins her heart. Then I suppose they would live happily ever after with no hardships, a house in the burbs, have 2.5 children and drive hybrids off into the sunset.

While in many cases a man will pursue a woman, if he is the chaser type. Not every man is bold enough to approach a woman, let alone chase after her for as long as it takes to win her affections. Yes, women like to be chased overall. Everyone wants to be wanted, and everyone has a need to feel that they are valued. But sometimes things are switched up. Not every man is a chaser and not every woman is going to sit around and just hope a man finds her at home.

My story of course involves me having to pursue David. If I hadn’t decided he was worth shaking up the “rules” for, I wouldn’t be married right now.

David had never had a girlfriend before me, and he had no idea what being in a relationship involved. And even though he was shy and felt like he would “mess up”, he was worth me going after.

I had tried the whole lady in waiting for the majority of my adult life with no good results. As with any situation, you can’t expect to sit around, not put any effort into something and get a desired result.

The girl I mentioned before used Proverbs 18:22 as a verse that backs up her view that the only way a relationship can come to be is by a man pursuing a woman. I don’t think that when the writer of this verse said “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD”. What this verse really means is more complicated than just a man finding a good wife.

This verse simply put means that when a man, who is of a both mentally and spiritually mature age realizes what love really is (an agape kind of love) for a particular woman, he will find favor in the Lord in his marriage to her. Same goes for the woman. A good wife is more than a woman who knows how to cook, clean, raise children and any other wifely/womanly tasks. She is a woman who is also of mental and spiritual maturity and is able to accept the love of a man as well as return it.

That verse has such a deeper meaning than just thinking it proves a point for wanting to be a woman pursued by a man.

David and I love each other and we are both the right mental and spiritual maturity to handle both the love we have and the marriage we entered in to. I pursued him, but now he pursues me more. Its what works for us. I don’t believe God thinks how we got together is wrong if His ultimate plan for our lives was to be married to each other.

That’s just my take on the whole thing.

If you want a Biblical example of a godly woman pursuing a man, check out the book of Ruth.

People keep asking me, “How is married life?”. Well, I’m never sure what to tell them. David and I have only been married 12 days, and I don’t think that is a long enough period of time to assess married life.

Of course married life is good. So far we have been on a honeymoon and settling into a routine. We also have been organizing our house and unpacking my stuff. Sometimes that seems like such an overwhelming task I just want to throw up my hands in frustration.

David and I have made a few “married friends” plans with other couples, such as Krista and Spencer, and Lauren and Carlos. I’m curious to see what these married couple plans are like. Though I don’t see how they would be different than plans I made as a single girl, or even an in a relationship or engaged girl.

I always swore I wouldn’t be like a few couples I know. As soon as they got married, they seemed to cut off their friends. The one phrase I’d hear most from these particular couples is: “You don’t understand, you’re not married”. I promise, my level of understanding anything about life, love and bills hasn’t increased because of a ring on my finger and a change in last names. I’m not sure what there is to understand as a married woman that a single person wouldn’t understand.

Maybe I need to be married longer. But I swear that I will never treat my un-married friends like they’re stupid, or somehow less important now.

Married life. Its good stuff. The “perks” are great ::wink wink:: ::nudge nudge::

Well, David and I are back from our honeymoon and settling into our “normal” life now. I put normal in quotation marks because I’m not sure what normal is now. My life will never be the same in most ways. I’m in the midst of creating new version of normal with passing day.

The honeymoon was great. We left on our Carnival Cruise on Monday afternoon. Our two ports of call were Key West and Nassua in the Bahamas. I really enjoyed being in Key West more than the Bahamas. I’d really like to drive down and stay a while in the Keys.

In the Bahamas, we took a ride in a taxi cab of DEATH! Stop signs and traffic lights are just a suggestion down there. I was never so happy to be out of a vehicle! The sights were cool and the water was beautiful. Other than that, I don’t see why the Bahamas are such a big draw for people.

I enjoyed being on the cruise ship. David and I spent lazy times together, just enjoying each other and the ability to do nothing at all. We both kept journals the whole trip, some of which I may end up transcribing onto here.

Saturday we left the ship and drove back to the condo in Fernandina. We hung out on the beach and in downtown all day. I did some shopping while David checked out the classic car show going on for the fall festival.

Sunday we packed up and headed for home. We stopped in Savannah to have lunch at The Pirate House. David had never been before, and I love the food, history and the ghosts! After lunch, we stopped at the Savannah Candy Kitchen to get our parents (and ourselves!) some fudge and other sweet treats.

My mom and dad met us at our house and brought my car as well as our wedding gifts. After we got things settled at the house, the four of us went to David’s parents’ house for dinner. We visited with them, GrandMom, John and Yoly. It was nice to get home.

Last night David and I started unpacking my boxes and wedding gifts. We started putting things in their proper places. So far we’ve tackled the guest bathroom and the kitchen. Its starting to look more like our home.

I started making plans for our annual Halloween party. Anyone can come, just let me or David know!

My mom called me yesterday and told me that Sunday night she thought I looked the most beautiful she had seen me look in a long time. She said I looked relaxed, happy and had a glow about me. I guess married life suits me.

This weather suits me, too! I love the autumn! I get to wear lovely fall colors and fashions, like boots, scarves and coats. I got out my scarves last night and wore one today.

Life is the same in some ways. I still have school to do, and I’m still watching the kids in the afternoon. I’m also still making plans with friends and playing World of Warcraft. All that is a comfort to me. Makes this transition a bit easier.

Stuff like this weekend’s outting with Krista and Spencer to Oakland Cemetery for the ghost tour, and our Halloween party are just a couple of fun things coming up. Krista and I talked about a couples weekend retreat to Charleston in the next couple of months, too. That should be fun!

I’m pretty sure I’ve covered everything. I’m going to enjoy the autumn weather now. Later!

I wanted to write about our wedding day while its still fresh in my mind.

The day was PERFECT! That 60 – 80% chance of rain that haunted us for almost two weeks never even happened! How awesome is God for doing that?! I want to thank everyone who prayed for the gorgeous weather we had for the whole day.

David and I couldn’t have been happier! Everything was beyond what we could have ever hoped for and more than we deserve. All that we planned went exactly as we wanted. I successfully avoided David seeing me (Though I accidentally saw him out of the bridal suite window. Oops!) and we both got the moment we hoped for as I walked down the aisle. David told me that when he saw me that it was like his heart sped up and stopped at the same time. I knew exactly how he felt.

It was so great to see all the people we did. I scanned the faces as my dad walked me down the aisle (”Moon River by 101 Strings Orchestra, composed by Johnny Mercer) and couldn’t help but have my heart swell with so much love that I literally felt my skin tingle.

I wish I knew how to describe what the moment felt like when I reached David. Everything in my life, the good, the bad, the wise choices and the not so wise choices all fell into place. My dad gave me away on behalf of himself and my mom, and they left me in very safe and loving hands.

Rick Statham, the pastor, did a wonderful job. He didn’t over embellish love by reading Song of Solomon or 1 Corinthians 13, but talked of how David and I are to yield to each other and work as a partnership. If we both live for each other and for God, then we are living in a Christian marriage.

David was so sweet. I knew he was nervous because he was shaking as we held hands and said our vows. During the last prayer, before we kissed our first husband and wife kiss, David started to make what I call his “happy noises”. He basically sighs very content and happy sighs. I knew he was totally overjoyed that we were finally married.

My Aunt Donna served as our MC instead of the DJ. She did a great job. She announced us as we came in and went into our first dance (”At Last” by Etta James). My dad and I had our father/daughter dance (”True Love Waits” by Buddy Holly, which has been stuck in my head all day) and David and Ms. Deb danced their mother/son (”Life Story” by Grant Wilson).

The food was great. Marmalade chicken, roasted potatoes, and green beans. Our wedding cake was strawberry short cake and was delicious!

There was lots of dancing. I danced with Matthew, Emily, Lauren and kinda with Jonathan.

I wish we had more time at the reception. It was a great send off though. David and I walked out in a cascade of tiny bubbles and were driven off in a Model A classic car! I had always imagined leaving in a classic car, but never thought it would happen.

All my girls looked so beautiful. They were a great help and I was so honored they were able to be a part of the day. The groomsmen were handsome as well, especially my brother in his Army dress uniform. I thought my mom looked beautiful in her red dress, and Ms. Deb was lovely in hers as well.

David and I made it safely to the beach condo. I can’t believe I’m laying next to my husband! Its such a sweet yet still foreign word, but I love saying it!

I can’t wait to see pictures from today. Its hard to realize that today is still my wedding day. It was like two days wrapped in one. Though most brides have told me that they didn’t have time to enjoy anything, David and I can both safely say that we enjoyed and savored every second. We had the best day of our lives!

I’m sending out lots of love to our families and our friends. You all made this day very special and we were so blessed to have you as part of our wedding day.

And thus ends my wedding day and my first blog as Mrs. Jill Cole! <3