Jill Victoria

We are now 18 days away from my wedding day. I can’t even wrap my head around what all needs to be done. Although we have gotten so much accomplished in the past eight months in preparation for both the wedding and the move, I now feel like nothing has been done.

I’m the type of person who likes to have a plan of what will happen way in advance, mostly so I have time to plan more and tweak things. Now we’re down to last minute things and I don’t have time to tweak those.

I’m so ready for the wedding to be over with, but at the same time I’m rather sad that it will be over in just 18 days. I won’t lie, the attention David and I have gotten has been nice. Though not having to plan things or deal with drama will be nice when this is over. The cruise will be great!

On top of the wedding, I have school. My first block of classes ends this week and I’ll be starting my second the week before the wedding! I need to finish my two papers for the current classes and then have to tell my new professors that I’ll be out of class for almost a week and a half.

I’m not stressing about any of that at all. //sarcasm

On a lighter note, I have had some fun lately. Saturday David and I went up to Atlanta to buy my wedding band. Last minute, I know. We went to the Solomon Brothers, which was interesting. The Solomon Brothers is located in an office building, which makes you wonder if you’re in the right place. You even have to sign in to go up to the store!

It was a lucky thing for us. David and I had to wait for a while to be helped, but that paid off well. By the end of our visit, the price of the ring we wanted was reduced for us AND we were offered a free amethyst bracelet! So, I’m obviously going to be using and recommending the Solomon Brothers from now on!

Good news for Emily! She now has herself a boyfriend! No surprise to some of us, and I’m so very happy for her. She’s now in a relationship (officially, since Facebook says so) with a guy she and I have both known the majority of our lives, Greg. I honestly think its a great match and that this will work out very well.

I have started playing World of Warcraft recently. It really helps me take out my frustrations. Lauren and Carlos play too and have been teaching as well as helping me. I really like the game and I believe that David will be getting into it too.

Wednesday I have my final meeting with my wedding planner. My mom and future mother-in-law will be going with me. I could use some prayers for the day of and before the wedding. According to the almanac, its supposed to rain and our ceremony is outside! So, please pray and pray hard to keep the rain away those two days!

Also pray about a new job for me. David talked to a guy he knows who said he is interested in hiring me. That would be so very great! Please keep me in your prayers so I’m not stressed, finish my first block of classes with good grades, have a dry wedding day, and get a new job soon.

Life. Its crazy!

I recently was told by a guy friend that I was beautiful. Not that I don’t already know that I’m beautiful (by real standards, not society’s), but it still took me by surprise that he said it.

David tells me I’m beautiful, and I totally believe him. I think my shock comes from the one time a guy friend told I wasn’t “pretty enough” for him to date. Seemed I was pretty enough for him to kiss, though.

One thing I do know is that it takes 100 “you’re beautifuls” to make up for the one “you’re not pretty enough”. I know that I shouldn’t let one negative thing influence how I think and what I believe about myself, but it did. I think most people can relate to that.

My opinion is that its not so much my outward appearance that is beautiful, but how I present and carry myself. This very act of self-confidence has earned me the adjectives of both beauty and sexy.

Obviously, two guys and their opinion that I’m beautiful trumps one guy’s opinion that I’m not pretty enough. And though I forgive my guy friend for his hurtful words, its still hard on ones self-esteem.

Still, I know I’m beautiful. It doesn’t take much to see that! And my opinion is the one that matters most.

Time is ticking, and its going by a lot faster than I thought it would. In my past experience, anytime I’ve anticipated something big and exciting, time has slowed to a crawl. With my wedding day approaching in just 23 days, I feel like I can barely find time to breathe, let alone do all that needs to be done.

Last week I didn’t have to watch the kids because they were sick. David’s great-aunt Sara died the Saturday before last, so we had the visitation and funeral (I missed the latter due to a migraine) to attend. This past Saturday was Krista and Spencer’s wedding! David was best man for Spencer, and Spencer is one of David’s best men for our wedding.

And yes, I took some mental notes at Krista’s wedding. Honestly, it seemed surreal to me that it was less than a month till my own wedding. I felt like I needed to be planning my wedding while I sat there, watching them say their vows. Strange how that happens in my head.

It was a very nice ceremony and reception. I’m sure that both Krista and Spencer are glad that they’re finally married. They should actually be at sea today on their cruise ship for their honeymoon about now. Luckies!

Sunday was a day of moving furniture from the house David and I will live in to his uncles homes and to John and Yoly’s. I FINALLY got to put together the dining room set that my mom have me three years ago! It looks nice in our dining area. My mom came over and helped put it together. I love seeing the house transform.

Still so much to do! School is getting more intense as it nears the end of my first block of classes. Then I also want to be able to hang out with friends. Its tough to find time for everything and everyone.

I’m excited for what’s to come and what’s happening now. Life is definitely keeping me on my toes!

Today it is exactly one month until my wedding day.

Am I excited? Of course! Am I ready? Yes and no. I’m ready to be married and to experience our wedding day, but I feel so unprepared. There is still so much to do and I feel like there’s no time left to do it in.

But, I’m focusing on the butterflies I feel when I think of October 10th, 2009. It’s all going to be worth it! I still can’t believe it’s a month away… and that when I wake up tomorrow, it will be less than a month to go!

At least I’m enjoying my last days as a “single gal”. I’ve planned my bachelorette party and sent out invitations on Facebook for that. It’s a spend the night party! I can’t think of a better way to spend my bachelorette. Just time with my favorite women in a laid back setting. At least this way I don’t have to worry about people making fools of themselves and me in public. Plus, I’m not much for the bar/club scene.

I’m happy and excited that this time is here and that it’s also almost over. I will never have these times again, so I am soaking it all up. Taking the good with the bad, the relief with the stress and the fun with the down times.

It’s all worth it for David.

Every now and then, I feel extremely guilty about my wedding. I know so many other girls who are getting married who are struggling to pay for their wedding themselves, while I am lucky enough to have parents on both sides who are willing to pay for the wedding I always dreamed about.

I know that it’s (probably) not true, but I sometimes feel like maybe the other girls are mad at me because of this. Does that sound self-centered? To fear that someone is upset with me for having a wedding they can’t afford?

At the risk of sounding like that, I do feel like I’m a bad person for talking to other brides-to-be about my wedding. I have a guilty feeling for describing the venue, the cake, the dress, the reception, the getaway car, the honeymoon, and the house David and I will be living in.

Maybe my guilt comes from me feeling like if these wonderful girls can’t have what I’m having, then I shouldn’t either. It makes me wonder why I’m blessed with this and they are paying for their own.

This post has probably made me sound like I’m some sort of bride who thinks everyone should be jealous of her. That’s not it at all. I just feel so undeserving of what I have been given in life right now when others haven’t.

I know that it can be a difference in what the couple wants, too. I would marry David barefoot and naked in the front yard just as readily as I will marry him at the Hazlehurst House in heels and a fancy dress.

I should end this post before I’m known as the prissy, look-at-me bride.

In the midst of feeling the stress, the wanting to just throw my hands up and say “I give up!”, I remember this quote:

Time hasn’t stopped for any troubles, heartaches, or any other malfunctions of this world, so please don’t tell me it will stop for you. – C.S. Lewis

I know that time won’t stop for me. I know that time is the most expensive thing we spend and that I won’t get back the time I have now. Even though there are moments lately where I just feel fatigued with stress and everything that I have to do and am expected to do, I wouldn’t want to trade the time I have now for anything.

These are the final days of the life I have always known. I’m about to go from my life as a single girl to my new life as a married woman. I know these moments are precious, that I will never get them back. So, I’m going to savor them for all their worth.

Stress or no stress, this is it.

Sunday was my final bridal shower. It was the biggest by far. I believe I was told we had about 40 or so people who came, which amazed me! This shower was given to me by some of the ladies on David’s side of the family, and seeing as some of the people who came don’t even know me, it was a nice surprise.

I overcame my fear of being the center of attention by making Emily sit next to me as I opened gifts. At least then I felt like everyone had two freak shows to stare at.

After the shower Sunday, a few of David’s relatives came to the house we’ll be living in to go through some of his grandmother’s things. It really helped to have them there to weed out the things that meant something to them and have the items go to a good home. We just wouldn’t have room for our things and Nanny’s if everything stayed.

The house is beginning to almost have a new life to it. Things have been cleaned, moved, and replaced as time has gone on.

How is my stress level? A bit better, actually. I’ve been trying very hard to realize that I don’t have to do everything on my own and to take a breath every now and then. I also talked out some things that have been bothering me, and that helped too.

Another thing I’ve been doing is counting my blessings. All through my life I have come out on the very fortunate end of things, and getting married has been no exception.

I honestly never thought I’d get to have our wedding at the Hazlehurst House. When we all went for the tour there, I went with the thought that it would be the first of many tours we went on since the price was way out of any budget I dreamed. I’m blessed to have two sets of parents who want to do something this nice for their children.

The house is another huge blessing. I never imagined in all my years of thinking of my married life that my husband and I would end up in a house as special as the one we have. I actually didn’t see me living in a house at all right after getting married. I figured that we’d start in a cardboard box and work our way up to a McMansion.

Remembering these blessings from God is a way to keep myself from feeling too bogged down in stress. It really is uplifting to realize how much David and I are fortunate to have. We have loving families, a roof over our heads, jobs, opportunities to improve ourselves and each other.

When I think of that, I can’t help but smile.

I’m beginning to feel like I do have a mental illness.

I am seriously so stressed lately that I can literally not see straight. At first I thought it was just my eyes not being used to the contacts, but I’ve noticed that if I can for just a short time not feel stressed, I see better. This lets me know right away that my blood pressure is sky high lately.

Not. Good.

It’s now 40 days away from the wedding. Things are getting down to the details, the nitty-gritty, the little things that you either put off or didn’t think about till now.

Right now I’m dealing with full-time school, watching two kids and trying to be a teacher to them, planning the little details, answering questions that I don’t have answers to about the wedding, packing up my whole life, moving, cleaning out the Fayetteville house and wondering where the money I need is.

On top of the high blood pressure, I’m having digestive issues. I either don’t want to eat, or when I do I end up making several painful trips to the bathroom later. Not pretty, but it’s life right now.

I hate that stress is getting in the way of me enjoying this time. I’m very glad that my shower Saturday was low key and only had seven people at it. It was just me and some close girl friends; eating sweets, drinking wine and chatting. I honestly needed that after the week I had been having. Emily gave a toast for me that made me want to cry. I wish I had. Maybe that would have been the exact reaction to let her know how deeply it touched me.

And it’s little things right now that are really adding to the stress. What would be funny to me, or at least not bother me usually, is now like fingernails on a chalk board. I’ve gotten some smart ass, jesting comments on a lot of my Facebook statuses that I usually wouldn’t care about. I especially wouldn’t usually care because I can be a smart ass when I’m joking too. But right now, those comments mixed with everything else have worked on my already shot nerves. I know it’s not fair to the person doing it, but I wish they’d just lay off for a while. It’s not helping me at all.

I’m hoping and praying that this is a short lived period of stress. Did I mention my hair is also coming out? Yeah, it is.

Hopefully when all the minor details are handled and the moving/cleaning is done, I’ll be back to normal. I’m not the type to stress easily. In fact, I usually do better when I have a lot going on. It keeps me occupied and feeling useful.

At least I know this will all be worth it. Whenever I think of how many days are left till I’m David’s wife, I get shivers of excitement! So close, yet so far away. Pray for me, please. I need to relief and I need a new job that will pay me more than what I get right now!

Yeah, I’m stressed. But I’ll make it through this.

It’s worth it. And my hair will grow back eventually.

*****************

At least on a happier note, my friend Laura gave birth to her first child today. A healthy, beautiful baby girl named Bevanne Giselle Storey. Both mom, baby and daddy are doing fine after a c-section today. If anyone else is under major stress (aside from Krista, Kris, Emily and every other female I know!), it has to be Laura!

Current Mood: Sickly

I’ve been trying to update for the past week. Things have just been so hectic it’s been hard to find time to.

Last Sunday was my first bridal shower. It was given for my family by my mom’s best friend. It was a lot of fun and nice to see the family I don’t get to see often during the year.

Most of this past week has been me working on school. The assignments are coming more often and take more time to complete, so I end up spending half the day (and sometimes into the night) working on assignments.

Watching the kids in the afternoon has been easy enough. It also gives me time to do some reading for classes since the boys are fine just watching TV or playing on their own. I do work with Cameron on his spelling words. He really loves to spell them out loud and then on paper for me.

Monday I went and got contacts for the first time in my life. I had always been afraid of contacts, thinking I would either mess them up or they would cost me too much. I really love that America’s Best has such affordable doctor visits and contacts/glasses. So far I’m very happy with them. It’s a liberating feeling, though I feel naked at times without my glasses at times.

When I’m not doing school or watching the kids, I am either packing up my room or helping to pack up the Fayetteville house. Most of yesterday was me helping (with what I could do) Ms. Deb and John go through things in the Fayetteville house to either save or get rid of. It’s a huge task once you start opening up closets and drawers.

Today is the bridal shower thrown by my mad/matron of honor and bridesmaids. Laura can’t be there because she’s actually giving birth to her precious daughter, Bevanne! I’m praying that everything goes smoothly for Laura and we have a happy and healthy baby girl and mama before the day is over! I think it’s funny that we set this particular date for the shower because it was one of the only times that both Krista (who gets married two weeks from today!!) and Laura could be able to attend. You just never know what will happen!

On the same note as the showers; I’ve been given some grief by people about having three showers. I don’t really appreciate the remarks of some about it. I’m not the one who asked for three showers; three different people (and groups of people) offered to give me a shower. I’m having three because with all the people who are invited to the different ones, if I had one, or even two, I’d have close to 100 people show up. That’s not me bragging or whatever else people might call it. It’s just what’s happening. David and I both come from very large families. What should I do when someone offers to give me a shower? Say no? That would be rude and ungrateful.

I guess no matter how I do things with the wedding or the preparations, someone will be pissed off at me.

I’m so ready for this to be over and still feel like it hasn’t even begun yet! I’m stressed out, worn out and still having fun at the same time.

Really, I’m beginning to have some sympathy for the girls who go bridezilla at times. It’s hard to keep your cool when everyone is either a critic or meaning well but making you feel pulled in ten different directions at once. I’m just glad I haven’t lost it on anyone. I refuse to take out any stress I’m under on anyone else. That wouldn’t do anyone any good.

It’s been a busy weekend so far.

Friday I was given the day off from watching the kids last minute. I went to the house in Fayetteville and my future mother-in-law was there working on cleaning out some of David’s grandmother’s things to make room for our own things. We talked and did some scenarios on how to rearrange the living room. I got a bit more history on the house and it’s previous occupants from her.

That evening, my brother Matthew came to the house in Fayetteville and brought some of my stuff from my house with him. He stayed for dinner and for Dr. Frank to take a look at his injured leg.

Saturday was rather jammed packed. My mom drove the van packed full of more of my stuff to the house in Fayetteville and her, my dad, David and I spent a few minutes bringing things inside the house. Right now, the living room is filled with my boxes. I need to move them to the spare bedroom and out of the way of David and Mark.

After that, my parents went back to McDonough and Matthew came to Fayetteville to eat BBQ with David, his parents, John, Yoly and me. David and I made a quick stop at Kohl’s (where I found the perfect pair of shoes for the rehearsal dinner and cruise!) after lunch and then met up with his parents and Mark to caravan to my house in McDonough so David, my dad, Dr. Frank, Mark and Spencer could go get fitted for their tuxes.

David and went and looked at paint samples for different rooms in the house. I’m not sure how well it went over with his parents, though.

Tomorrow is my first bridal shower. My mom’s lifelong friend, Jane Hammock, is giving this one for me. Just thinking of going to the shower along with the moving that we’ve done so far makes the wedding and the marriage seem all the more real. All these months of planning haven’t shown any results until recently, and I think that’s where a lot of my indifference to my own wedding came in.

I don’t see how some couples go for a year or more between getting engaged and getting married. I think I’d be going mad if I had to wait more than 47 more days.

That’s right. I’m countin’ ‘em down! Only 47 days until I’m Mrs. Jill Cole